our house is quieter now. less messy and chaotic. a little more organized.

and i no longer have to check the toilet seats for pee before i sit down.

wren asked me yesterday if we could go pick camrie up. i wish we could.

it broke my heart to let them go.

i called the shelter on wednesday and ended up being able to speak with LaKisha. she was back and settled with the baby.

little Kevin had a doctor appointment that afternoon, and LaKisha was wondering if i could pick up the boys from school and then pick her and Kevin up from the appointment and take them all back to the shelter.

so after finishing their laundry and packing up the kids' stuff, i farmed out all of my own children and camrie and i headed downtown.

we got the boys and broke the news and then found the doctor's office.

the kids and i sat in the waiting room and we were quiet for the most part. cornell was excited to see the baby, cody was ready to see his mom, and camrie was emotionless and expressionless.

when LaKisha and the baby appeared there was lots of chatter and the boys were happy and checking out the baby......

but camrie was quiet. LaKisha had to ask her for a hug.

i carried the baby out to the car.

he wasn't in a typical infant seat, he was in a huge car seat with no handle. the kind that a 1 or 2 year old would sit in. it was very awkward to carry. and the 6 lb baby looked so incredibly small in it.

he had no blanket. nothing for cuddling or support.

and i was kicking myself for not thinking of buying LaKisha a baby gift. i'm sure she has nothing for him....

once we were settled in the van i asked her if she was up for going to the health department to work on getting camrie's birth certificate.

she said that was fine, but they had to be back to the shelter by 4 for dinner or they would miss it.

we got to the health department around 3:15 and i took the baby out of the car seat and we all headed inside.

while LaKisha spoke with the clerk i let the boys take turns holding the baby.

but camrie didn't want to hold him. or sit down. she just stood there with a blank expression on her face.

at one point LaKisha asked her what was wrong. she wouldn't answer.

when LaKisha asked her for the 5th or 6th time, tears started running down her face and she whispered that she didn't feel good.

i sooooo wanted to go to her. she needed me. but she had her mom right there.

the second her mom turned back to the counter i went over and knelt down beside her. i put my arm around her and started whispering to her about how brave she was. and how much i loved her and how proud i was of her. which got us both crying.

i'm pretty sure she was tired and overwhelmed and just too aware of the two different worlds that were before her.

she had lived a fairy tale for the last 5 days. she had been dressed like a princess for the first time. she had girls her age to play with and sleep beside. she had new toys of her very own. she had quietly watched as dave and i interacted with each other, and she stood on the sidelines and smiled when we played with the kids.

she had for 5 days what my children have everyday and completely take for granted......

LaKisha was having a hard time understanding everything she needed to do for the birth certificate so i went to help her. i convinced the clerk to copy LaKisha's driver's license for us and then i offered to get the money order and mail everything for her tomorrow.

she was hesitant at first but i think she realized that it would be very hard for her to get it done anytime soon with just having had a baby.

sadly, it will be 2-4 weeks before the certificate comes. camrie will be missing 2-4 more weeks of second grade....

we made it back to the shelter just in time, and then after hugs, and good-byes, and promises to see each other again soon i pulled away.

and then i broke down.

sobbing.

it was so hard to just let them go. knowing they still needed so much. knowing they still have so many hurdles to get through.

it just all seems so unfair.

those kids deserve the fairy tale just as much as my own kids.

i called dave after awhile, and i thanked him for letting us do this. for supporting me and for helping with all the kids.

and i told him that i know there will be more. i can feel it. this is part of what i was created to do. and it will be hard. and messy. and heart wrenching....

but we are only on this earth once, right?

and the point of being here is not to live a perfect life, have perfect kids, and live in a clean, safe, organized bubble.

my time here is not meant to be filled with striving to perfect myself, my parenting, or my Christianity.

i am here to serve, to go, to meet needs, to show the love of my Father.

like Jesus did while He was here.

oh God help me not to forget!!! it's so easy to forget!!

and help me not to take for granted that i am living the fairy tale too! i am a child of the KING.

i should be nothing but thankful!

i have everything i need and so much more.....