I've been thinking and praying about the 'bread of life' lately because we started studying the book of John at church. Thinking about the state of being hungry and the state of being full.
And this morning I felt the Lord speaking to me about my marriage and how the same truths of hunger and fullness also apply in this area.
I realize that when I am hungry at home I soak my husband in. I can't get enough of who he is and what he does. And even the friction from our differing personalities seems to be smoothed over and made beautiful.
It sets the tone for so much peace and joy in our home. It flows over onto our children and our friends and so many other areas in our lives...

And then I have times when my husband is not the main course for me at home but just another side dish.
I let life creep in and fill me.
Children, extended family, friendships, ministry, housework.....my wants, my needs, my view, my goals, my comfort....
When I am filled to the brim with all of the above, then I have no appetite left for my husband. Every little extra thing he needs or asks is an annoyance.
I get critical of his actions and even his attempts to fill me.
Because I am already full.
Even the best meal is rejected because I can't possibly fit any more in. I only want to be left alone with my fullness....
And that spills over onto our children and into every other area of life too.
The joy in our home is gone and we are left with keeping up appearances and striving harder than we were ever meant to.

So here's the thing- when I'm seeking first and only the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, when my desire is to make His name great and my name small, when I'm emptied of my love for myself and full of Jesus' love for me, and the walls are down, lies replaced with the Word, and I'm walking forgiveness- then I am so very hungry for Jesus and for the incredible man He has given me to make me more like Him.
And every other thing takes it's rightful place as just another side dish.

"One who is full loathes honey from the comb, but to the hungry even what is bitter tastes sweet." Proverbs 27:7

My sister and I were having a conversation yesterday about orphan care. We were sharing the challenges and the beauty....but what stuck with me was the confession of the hard. The hard places it sometimes brings us to. The ugliness it can reveal from within.

And for the first time in my life I feel freedom to reveal the ugly.
I'm so thankful for that freedom. I'm so thankful for the Word of God which has been showing me that I am not defined by what I do or don't do.
I spent so many years trying to protect myself from feeling 'less than' by performing perfectly and not showing any of my flaws.
When I don't understand that I am loved despite what I do, I hide behind a wall of self-defense.
And I have learned that I am called to something much greater than all of this hiding.

There is such freedom and beauty in confessing the hard. Talking about the ugly. Especially with the One who desires to use it as an avenue to bring about repentance, dependence, and gratefulness.
I'm learning that I can hand Him everything- the beautiful moments and the moments that come from something broken in me.
He wastes nothing. He orchestrates every moment. He leads me into the hard and straight into the ugly and He is wanting me to worship Him through it.

But it is in those moments when I stumble and fall that my flesh wants to shrink back. I want to find a dark, solitary place to put my own bandage over my shame.
And my Papa actually desires to stay close to me.
He wants to pick me up so He can wash the scrapes and cuts.
He knows there has to be a washing first to prevent infection and scars, and that it hurts, it's humbling, but it is followed by healing.
And He is asking me to stay right with Him in the light during that painful washing. To keep our relationship in the truth of who He is. He wants me to be in the heat of His presence, in the pain of the pruning. To stay faithful through the intense filing down of my flesh.
To remain, endure, persist.
To not withdraw into myself.

He desires repentance from me. It is beautiful to Him. And learning to own up to and hand Him the ugly, and then to allow Him to help me turn from it is life changing for me. The thought of it makes me breathe a little freer and fills my heart with gratitude for His amazing love.
And then gratitude for the circumstances that reveal my inadequacies...
Thankfulness for the child whose behavior shows that he needs a bigger love than I am capable of giving in and of myself. Thankfulness for the messy days of motherhood and marriage.

And I'm learning that sometimes it's in those moments after the scrapes have been washed clean that He gives me the grace to let Him hold me the closest.
No, I am not defined by my performance....but I'm either taken deeper into Him or deeper into myself by my response to it....

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, then you will produce much fruit. Without me, you can’t do anything."
John 15:5

Last night Neiko wrapped his arms around me and whispered, "you're the best mom I ever had."
And my sweet boy has no idea what he is actually saying to me....
I smile.
I think about his first mom, the mom whose body bore him and whose features are reflected in his face....
I think of her, and I am well aware that the only difference between her and I is the gift of Jesus' righteousness and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit.
And so out of gratitude- gratitude for that imputed righteousness and gratitude for perfect gifts- I lift up my hands.
I raise my hands and my heart to the Best Father I ever had.
The one who brought in an orphan girl, washed her with His Word, covered her with His robe, gave her His Name, and is preparing a home for her.
He changed the whole course of her life, and changed her orphan heart to that of a chosen and beloved daughter.
And I am so very humbled and honored to be the one who through God's grace gets to reflect all of THAT to my son.
By ways and thoughts much higher than my own, that former orphan boy now has my name and my home and my heart forever.
I get to be the best mom pointing the way to the Best Father.
"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me.
Because I live, you also will live.
On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you." John 14:18-20
PRAISE HIM!

"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."
John 14:18

When we believe lies about who God is, there is always a consequence.
And a long time ago, there was a girl who agreed with the lie that she was alone.  That her Father, who was supposed to be with her always, had somehow wandered away at a critical time.  She needed Him, and she prayed and prayed for Him to come and step in.  She pleaded with Him to save her from darkness- and He didn't.  The enemy seemed so powerful, and so present.  Her Savior seemed to be absent...
And she believed that she was alone and that she had to fend for herself.

She let that lie settle and find its home in her heart.  She tucked it away and covered it up with life.
And as she grew older, she didn't really understand that she carried that lie, that orphan heart around with her.
But she believed, deep down, that although she loved and trusted God, when it came down to it, she had to make things happen when He didn't.

She ended up with children of her own.
She loved them and treasured them.
And her heart pricked her as she called God her Father- and yet felt the difference in her beliefs that didn't line up with the fierce, fighting love she felt for her children.
As she taught her children to trust her, she felt her lack of trust in Him.
She heard herself speaking to her children,

"You just have to trust me.  You have to believe that I know what is best.  It might not always feel like I am on your side, but I am.  I see the big picture when you don't.  Just trust me."

And she knew that she was teaching something that she wasn't truly believing...

She was then given a child who was truly an orphan.  A broken little boy who also believed that he was alone and abandoned.  He too believed that he had to fend for himself.
And she jumped right in and expected to love away his broken, orphan heart.
She expected to fill the hole his first parents had left.
She expected to lead him into the perfect Father's love.
And as one year led to two and then three, she saw that she was powerless to heal his heart.  That the hurting little boy was going to fend for himself and do what he thought best no matter what she did.  No matter how many times she told him and showed him he could trust her.
So she prayed and prayed for him.  She sought the true Father for healing.

And then- in His goodness and kindness and mercy, in His faithfulness and his graciousness- He spoke to her.

"You can't lead someone somewhere you haven't been...." 

And she knew it was true........and it was time.
As she lay awake in bed one night, she opened that hidden place up to Him.  She gave it to Him in all of it's ugliness.
And the ugliness didn't surprise Him or repulse Him like she thought it would- He already knew that it was there.  It was never hidden from Him.
"For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."
He asked her to ask Him for the truth of where He was at that time when she thought she was alone and forsaken.
And she was terrified to ask.
But she did.
And the picture He gave her blew her mind and blew through her heart and has left her forever changed.
Her Jesus was there.
Not only with her, but with His body wrapped around hers in fierce protection.
The saw very essence and origin of that fighting love that she felt for her own children.

And you can tell her that she's a little crazy. :) You can tell her that He doesn't work or speak that way.  And she will tell you this-

I have seen it for myself.

"Now to Him who is able to do exceeding and abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be the glory in the church both now and forever..."

And now that broken little boy and I, we still have our struggles.
But there is a confidence in Jesus' fighting love and care for us both that changes things.
It changes helplessness to hopefulness.
It changes doubt to belief.

And we have so much farther to go, and so much more to learn, but I know Jesus holds it all in His hands.
And He will continue to show us the way as we grow in our understanding of Who He is and grow in our trust in His care and in His unfailing love....

"When you go out to war against your enemies, and see horses and chariots and an army larger than your own, you shall not be afraid of them, for the Lord your God is with you, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt. 2 And when you draw near to the battle, the priest shall come forward and speak to the people 3 and shall say to them, ‘Hear, O Israel, today you are drawing near for battle against your enemies: let not your heart faint. Do not fear or panic or be in dread of them, 4 for the Lord your God is He who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies, to give you the victory."

I stopped by my kids' school today to drop something off, and as I was leaving, I noticed that the first graders were all lined up and ready to test out the paper airplanes they had made.
I stopped to watch.
On the count of "three" they released the airplanes......and Tekoa's plane didn't fly. It flopped down at her feet.
Her shoulders slumped and she had that "I'm about to fall to pieces" look on her face.
And the mommy in me couldn't hold back.
I walked over to her and scooped her up in my arms. I carried her to a chair, we sat, and she melted. Sobbing.
The teacher's aide came over and whispered, "she's had a rough day."
Which pulled at me even more.
We sat like that until the students were called back to the classroom.
I carried her into her classroom and sat down at her desk- with her body still wrapped around mine.
Her teacher told the students to get out their handwriting pages and to get to work on them.
When I heard "handwriting" my heart pulled yet again, as I knew that was her least favorite subject. I knew that, unlike my other children, my Tekoa gets overwhelmed easily by a big task. And handwriting especially- because of the length of time it takes her, and the amount of writing to be done on each page.
So, I turned her around, pulled out the page, and set it in front of her.  She wiped her tears, and without even looking at me she started right in.
No complaining, no thinking about the enormity of the task in her six year old eyes. She started in on the slow process of forming each letter. Lines and curves making letters, making words.
When her lines weren't straight, she erased them and started again. No sighs, no frustration, just pure focus on the task at hand.
Every now and then I would whisper in her ear, "good job." "nice work." "keep going." And she did. Through the whole page.
She did her very best work, because her mom was with her. Her mom was watching every stroke of her pencil. That was all that mattered- the presence of her mother. Mom was in Tekoa's world- at her level, in her classroom, and sitting with her at her desk.
The failure was forgotten, and the huge task ahead was not so intimidating anymore.
It changed everything.

And as for me, I was mesmerized.
I was with her, silently cheering her on. I was watching every line and every curve. And there was nowhere else in the world I would have rather been than in that moment with my daughter.
The slanted lines didn't make me cringe, they drew me in. I knew she would correct them, because she knew I was watching.
The amount of time it took her to complete the page didn't bother me either, because I know that for her, at six years old, this is all that she is capable of. I have no doubt that next year she will be flying through a page like that. But this year, she is only six and she needs more time and more practice.
I'm not concerned, because in my mind, it was just yesterday that she was taking her first steps and forming her first words.
She has come so far from the helpless baby I changed, fed, and held.
I remember how much I loved gazing into those big blue eyes as I nursed her.  She would smile at me, and the milk would run down her sweet chin.
Those same big blue eyes are the ones that now fill up with tears at a failed paper airplane, and they are the same big blue eyes that will look at me with excitement when I someday hand her the car keys.
It will happen too fast, but I will be there through it all. Rooting her on. Being with her on her good days and in the trenches with her on her bad days.
It is my joy, it is my pleasure, because I love her. She is part of me.
She has captured my heart through her very existence and she doesn't even have to try to draw me in.
I'm drawn, I'm captivated, I'm forever with her.
Because she is my daughter.

Thank you, Lord, for being the author of that fierce parental love that doesn't hold back. Thank you for being my Father, making me your daughter, and for being right with me in all things.
The understanding of Your love for me, and the knowledge of Your presence in my life changes everything.

1 Corinthians 10:3-5
"For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses. We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ."

I do believe I have read those verses many times in my walk with Jesus.  And at this point I cannot even remember what I used to think when I read them.  
Over the last few months though, these words have come ALIVE.  Very literally alive.
Tearing down fortresses.  Destroying speculations.  Obliterating what we have held higher than the knowledge of God.  Teaching us that through Him we actually can take every thought captive.  
And He has so much work yet to do!!!

My blog silence has stemmed from this inability to put it all into neat and tidy words.....

You see, I thought we were ok.  I thought we were actually doing quite well, honestly.  Just a normal family dealing with the normal family issues.  We were trying very hard, and using all of our willpower to do everything right.  And more often then not, at the end of the day, I thought we came out ok.  

And then our eyes were opened.  He is so good like that.  
What we thought was good enough, He told us was not even close to what He had in mind for us.  
We had moved our aim.
We were shooting our arrows at "close enough" and "better than last year" and not at "PERFECTION in Jesus Christ."

1 Corinthians 6:19-20
"Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies."

"you are not your own....."

We are a family under reconstruction.  And we are not the ones in charge.   
This mama is not even sure which end is up most days.  

Please bear with us as He teaches us to let go of all we have carefully built for ourselves.  Sometimes the letting go is just plain ugly on the outside.  Sometimes it is offensive in and of itself. 

Sometimes when you look at all the ingredients individually it looks like a big mess.  And some of those ingredients taste very bitter on their own.

But we are trusting that God sees the finished product. We are praying that when it is all stirred together and put through the fire He will declare that what He has created is very good.  

HE IS GOOD.  HIS WORK IS BEAUTIFUL.  HE IS A RESTORER.  

Our church is fasting this month.  An all-church fast from junk food and electronics (except for blogging, of course ;) Wren has already let me know that I'm not supposed to be using the computer.....sheeesh!!
I'm only writing about this to share what God is doing in my heart during this time.  He is showing me some very ugly truths about how I survive as a mother of 5.
Of COURSE on the first 3 days of the fast we would be SNOWED IN.  Of COURSE we would all be stuck in the house together with nothing to do and nowhere to go.  
And it was during those 3 days that the Lord showed me how much I depend on entertainment- for both the kids and myself- and comfort food during my time at home with the kids.  
OUCH.  
How can I love them and teach them if I cannot be fully immersed in them and meet them on their level? How can I be immersed in them if I am constantly escaping to comfort myself? 
I AM SUPPOSED TO BE A REFLECTION OF THEIR SAVIOR'S LOVE.
What kind of Savior am I showing them?
Too busy pursuing my own comfort....needing a break from them....not wanting to be bothered with their constant needs....more concerned with the mess they are making than the fun they are having....barking orders instead of teaching....distant....distracted....frustrated....unapproachable....

NONE of these is a correct reflection of our God and ALL of these are me at times. 
I am praying that He will give me the grace to repent and to change.  

He is calling us to MORE.  
To leave what society tells us is normal and to trade it for what Jesus says is better....

I believe that the root of the issue is what I believe about God's love towards me.  
And as I learn more and understand more about His love and His thoughts toward me, it changes my love and my thoughts thoughts toward my children.  When I can comprehend the breadth, the length, the height, and the depth of His love- and when I truly believe that His strength is made perfect in my weakness, it changes everything.  
When I am parenting from the overflow of the knowledge of His love for me, then I will be a true reflection of that love.

Keep changing me Lord, keep teaching me what is better, keep me immersed in the TRUTH of Your Word, and help me to move that truth from my head to my heart....
I am absolutely nothing at all apart from You.

You have come to bring hope to this world for You're honor and name

You have come to take sin, to bear shame, and to conquer the grave.

Emmanuel! Our God is with us!

Our Deliverer! You are Savior!

In your presence we find our strength

Over everything, our redemption

God with us!

Our Emmanuel!

Merry Christmas!

Love,

The Kellenbergers